Following rumors and demands for an imminent Nintendo Direct, Nintendo has announced that it plans to hold more than 3,000 new presentations in the next year. According to unnamed sources, Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser said he hopes this “will get all those entitled fans to finally shut up.”

Note: This is a work of satire and not intended to be considered factual in any way.

Here was the statement Nintendo provided us on the decision.

“Nintendo Directs are exciting and, for some reason, fans seem to like them even more than our games. So, we have decided to plan roughly 3,000 Nintendo Directs over the next year. We will have one every two to three hours. Every. Single. Day.

Yes! That means you’ll have at least one new Metroid game announced each week. You’ll have new Zelda remakes every day. We’re going to get you AMPED about a ton of games that won’t ever come out!

Shifting development teams to Nintendo Direct

In fact, we have shifted most of our development teams over to the video editing team so we can have new trailers out every single day.

After all, who cares if the games actually release. What really matters is keeping our fans excited. If anything, we can say that a game is having a ‘development update‘ (hehe) and delay it indefinitely. At least we’ll keep the video content coming 10 times per day, 7 days per week, 52 weeks per year.”

Nintendo said to expect the Nintendo Directs to start later today, with 8 new Zelda titles prepped to be announced. Two of the titles are The Legend of Zelda: Link Runs a Marathon and The Legend of Zelda: Swimming Challenge.” Nintendo also told us to expect about 15 new Mario Sports titles to be announced over the course of the next 4 days.

We will keep you updated on the announcements from these Nintendo Directs as they become available. Apparently, that’s our entire job now since games are no longer coming out.

 

Eli Pales
Eli buys virtually every Nintendo title that comes out but has expanded his collection to include amiibo. He hasn't taken them out of their boxes, though, so he might be a bit insane. When not playing video games, Eli likes writing about politics and games. He also runs a decent amount. Outside.

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