Due to unacceptable development progress, every single upcoming Nintendo has been delayed indefinitely, with each project being born anew with fresh dev teams. This includes Animal Crossing Switch, Metroid Prime 4, and, well, everything else. The initiative began after the positive response to the bombshell video “Development Update on Metroid Prime 4 for Nintendo Switch” when Nintendo executives decided to check in on the progress of several upcoming titles in their most popular franchises. The ensuing scene was less than encouraging, necessitating an immediate and nuclear response from Nintendo.
Note: This is a work of satire and not intended to be considered factual in any way.
Animal Crossing Switch was the first casualty. The game was coming along putridly thanks to many planned features getting mixed up along Nintendo EPD’s corporate ladder. Instead of a relaxing social sim, we were on track to get Animal Crossing: Village Idiot, a spiritual successor to the Brain Age games with customizable furniture. Following the company’s previous footsteps in handing off the uninspired Metroid Prime 4 to veteran developers at Retro Games, Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa decided to do the same with Animal Crossing. He has passed the title to Rockstar Games, who will restart development from scratch, promising to deliver a faithful Animal Crossing experience while incorporating the studio’s trademark gripping storytelling, stunning open worlds, and high-octane combat.
After dealing with Animal Crossing, concerned Nintendo executives figured they should probably check up on their other recent problem child, Metroid Prime 4. Relaying the scene, Nintendo of America President-to-be Doug Bowser said, “The game Retro Studios planned out was a disaster in the making–Metroid Prime 4: Other M 2: Federation Force: Grand Prix. Retro has had a couple projects in a row get canned now–wait, crap, don’t write that down–and, uh, we really just think that this isn’t the right time for the studio to be handling such an important property. Instead, Metroid Prime 4 will be handed off to a recently available team at Nintendo EPD.” As for Retro, Bowser went on to say, “They’ll take a bit of time and come to us with their own proposals, and after we reject all of those, they’ll get to work on Donkey Kong Country 6.”
Nintendo’s woes did not stop here. Game Freak was all set to publish Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield this November. Or, at least, they almost were. In a rare move, famed producer Shigeru Miyamoto got the chance to visit the studio and check up on development. He was incredibly disappointed in what he saw, claiming that Game Freak was planning an absolutely abhorrent overhaul to the series. Miyamoto said, “Oh, it was the most god awful thing I’ve ever seen. They had put together–get this–some fleshed out, intricately crafted open world complete with wild Pokémon running around. Imagine rolling fields with Rattattas and Bidoofs scurrying back and forth, Pidgeys in the sky, that sort of thing. And you could run around engaging them freely–random encounters gone forever. Think Breath of the Wild, but a Pokémon game that stays true to series conventions with turn-based battling. Everything about it was just wrong. We had to step in. It’s rare for us to interfere with Game Freak like this, and frankly, I’m not sure it’s even allowed–don’t look it up–but this was a drastic situation. We’ve given them too much leeway, they’re totally out of touch. In my eyes, it was a mistake to even let them drop the whole top-down thing. I basically told ’em, ‘nuke it,’ and I’ll bring some of my guys in to help fix this thing from scratch, make Pokémon what it should be.”
At this point, the situation was critical. Checking in on all other upcoming Switch-exclusive projects confirmed the company’s fears. Platinum’s Astral Chain, for example, has stalled. In need of some expert TLC, veterans from Platinum Games will step aside from Bayonetta 3 and take over development, in turn passing off a stale Bayonetta 3 to the team at Platinum Games formerly behind Astral Chain.
Several other upcoming games, such as Mario Maker 2, Fire Emblem: Three Houses, and The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening, were all shaping up well below Nintendo’s standards. Future President Bowser had this to say: “So we’re thinking, ‘Alright, we’re totally screwed.’ Fire Emblem replaced all dragons with Yoshis, the Link’s Awakening remake is on-rails, and we couldn’t find anything wrong with Mario Maker, but at this point we weren’t taking any chances. Anyway, we gather all the studio execs who still haven’t been reassigned in a room, put the title of each game in a hat, and had everyone there draw. Whatever game you drew, congratulations, you’re making that now. Don’t screw up this time.”
This definitely isn’t a good look for Nintendo–delaying every single game they have planned is certainly gonna leave some gaps in the release schedule. That said, the end result should be worth it–in fact, I’d bet at least one classic was born today, now that fresh hands are taking a crack at these heralded franchises. Only time will tell.