[This story is not for the faint of heart. If you or someone you love is being haunted by a Nintendo console, please write a short story on the internet to rid yourself of your demons. You have been warned.]
Hi, my name is Adam and I am a big Nintendo fan. Mario and Zelda are my heroes and I have always wanted to be just like them in every way. They are both very heroic and always save the princess whenever they are in trouble.
I love Nintendo so much, I asked my parents to buy me a Nintendo Switch for my seventh birthday. So when my birthday came by and I didn’t get a Nintendo Switch, I cried a lot. I only got a measly $50 bill. I was so sad, I decided to go for a walk.
But luckily, while I was out walking, a man on the side of the road waved me over. He looked homeless, but he had a Nintendo Switch. “If you want this, you can have it for $50,” the man said.
“Deal!” I said. I threw the $50 bill at his face and ran home with my new Nintendo Switch. When I got home, I screamed out of excitement. I wanted to show my parents what I did with their money. But I could not find my parents. They were gone.
“Oh, well!” I said. “My dumb parents did not even like me enough to buy me a Switch.” I turned on the console and did all of the normal setup stuff. But when I went to make one of the Mii characters (originally introduced on the Nintendo Wii system), I couldn’t make my own character.
Instead, the Switch made me choose the only Mii on the system. He had pale skin, two small beady eyes, a wide grin, and a red shirt. The red almost reminded me a little of blood. Also, his name was Mario. I could not believe they had disgraced my favorite character’s name!
“Oh, well!” I said again. “Let’s just play some games!” When I got to the home screen, I found two video games: Super Mario Odyssey and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Mario and Zelda were, of course, my favorites, so I was very happy.
I started with Zelda. When I turned on the game, everything was normal. I played for about 70 hours, but then suddenly Zelda stopped moving. He just froze on the screen. He turned his head completely around without moving his body and looked right at me!
I pressed all the buttons, but Zelda didn’t move. Finally, he spoke. “Hyahh!” Suddenly, his head exploded! A very loud explosion noise filled my room. I could barely hear anything.
The screen on the Switch went completely red, like blood. Instead of the usual “Game Over,” the game said “Odyssey.” I didn’t know what it meant. I was getting really scared.
After a minute, I calmed down a bit. “This Zelda game sucks,” I said. I immediately made a 20-minute YouTube video about how much I hate Breath of the Wild. I felt pretty happy after that, so I changed to Mario Odyssey.
When I turned on the game, Mario was staring at me. But nothing else was there, it was just Mario. “What the heck is happening with this game?” I said.
Suddenly, Mario spoke words. “This isn’t a game anymore, Adam. You’re-a in hell now, wahoo!” This wasn’t like Mario’s character at all.
“You were supposed to be my hero, Mario! What happened to you?” I asked. Mario said nothing. Instead, his eyes grew bigger and bigger and bigger, and then they started to fill with blood. The blood was so realistic with the Switch’s upgraded graphics. I was not a fan of Nintendo’s new Mario design, so I turned the game off.
I went to YouTube to make another 40-minute video. But when I turned on YouTube, a graphic image of Zelda and Mario were on the screen. They both carried knives and blood was dripping down their entire bodies, but they weren’t grossed out by it. It almost seemed like they liked being bloody or something.
It was then that I realized the true horror of my situation. I was not safe. All of the signs were there the whole time. The weird games, the weird switch, everything that had happened to that point finally made me realize that I wasn’t safe in that house.
The horror crashed upon me as I uttered what I had feared the whole time: “my seventh birthday was in 2003. The Nintendo Switch doesn’t even exist yet.” My whole vision went blurry, and time came to a halt.