Nintendo of America President Reggie Fils-Aime announced yesterday that he would be stepping down from his position in April. Taking over for him is Doug Bowser. Last night, Bowser put out a statement demanding he be brought Princess Peach. Normally, Nintendo fans would not bat an eye at the request, but Bowser is holding something important hostage.
“So, I hear you all want Mother 3,” the statement reads. “Let’s see how bad you want it. Reggie told me you would do anything to play this game on Nintendo Switch. Well, here’s my demand. I want Peach. Bring me the princess and you can have Mother 3.”
Nintendo Enthusiast caught up with Mario Mario. According to confidential sources, we believe Princess Peach is being protected in Mario’s home.
“I don’t know what to do,” said Mario. “Mother 3 has never come to the States before and I don’t speak Japanese. I need a localized version. Maybe it’s worth turning her over? I mean, Rosalina is way cooler anyway. I think I can live without Peach.”
Over the last 24 hours, a crowd has amassed at Mario’s residence demanding that he turn over the princess. One protester told us that “she’s not even that cool a princess anyway. Mother 3 is way better.”
In the meantime, Doug Bowser has acquired the last remaining copies of versions Earthbound, threatening to crush them one-by-one until the princess is brought to him.
Note: This is a work of satire and not intended to be considered factual in any way.